Maybe it's good for me, my Lord

Keep telling myself it’s OK Everything happened is just a process After crying, I have to get up and put myself together Being with this kind of person just makes me painful and look myself down I need to be this person who make me feel I’m special Now I know everything he said are all lies. I need to getup, and no more crying.

6/2, 2013

Yes. This is the day. This is my first time. I don't want to use the term "LOST" because I should see it as a progress. LOST is so pessimistic. Everything happened so fast since he broke up with me. I had experienced a miserable month, and I decided not to live like this anymore. And then fall into another one so fast. Sometimes I just don't know what I am doing. That day, I didn't say no. I just let it happen. Maybe he's asked me many times, and I don't want to see him disappointing. Maybe I just want to let it happen because of my ex? Now I know I am over thinking again. Why cant I just lay back? and feel relaxed? It's my personality? Probably bah (It hurt hurt hurt) (I like the way he hold me :)

Will u still love me?

Sometimes I still get the massages from him. Those massages are like knives slowly and softly hurt me. And sometimes make me remind him. What a fool! I guess I still want to heard something from him bah. That’s why I still don’t block him. These thoughts make me like a crazy girl. How stupid I am. Still want him back? Even though I know this wont happened. No happiness. I’m so stupid and stubborn, Gosh! Get some sleep bah. Recently I met another guy. This man seems nice. But I still have some trust issue. If I let this feeling out, I may scare him away bah. This isn’t me. I feel painful now.

It's all about sex

So annoying. Now I know the reason. Everything is about sex. So frustrated. Am I too shallow or r they superficial? Yeah. There is no right or wrong. It’s all about the choice. I take everything too seriously. This is my own problem. Shit!!! I’m fucking stupid. I really want to change this dull thinking.

Day 3

Day 3 Huh? In the morning, he texted me, but this time I didnt reply. I know I'm trying not to contact him. Good Job! But still would think of him sometimes T T I'm really pathetic.

This is Day 2

This is Day 2 I try my best not to contact with him actively. But when he contacted with me actively, I broke the rule I made. Again, 我又被牽著鼻子走. 我好糟糕~~~~ :(

No need to contact

Today is 2/5/2013 . I make a decision which is that I won't contact with him actively. Today is the first day. I hope I can forget him as soon as possible. This is the only way to make me move on. I guess. I can do this. Dear God please help me. I do need your help.

That really hurts

2013/1/24 Thursday U called me. Everything seems fine. We had chatted for 30mins. U said u were tired. I didn’t think too much. Maybe it’s about work.In the mooring, u still texted me as usual.In the afternoon, u told me u probably got fired because of mistake u made. I said it’s OK. I want to be supportive. On Friday morning, I texted u. But u just read and didn’t text back. At that moment, I was kind of worried about you. U just said u r busy. At night, u told me u need more time. I know something strange. U said since last week u didn’t have feeling for me. I can’t get it because we just went biking last Saturday. And I think everything went smoothly. We even went see the new apartment for sale. And then u talked something about marriage. I just said it’s kind of rush to get married. And we’ll see. (I didn’t say no ah) On Sunday, I was supposed to go Taoyuan to meet u. But you said ur parents were coming, so I couldn’t meet u. That night, we were still talking on the phone. And u told me how well ur ex treat u. On Monday, I decided to ask u why u like me. U didn’t answer, and just said u r tired and didn’t want to talk about it. At the moment, I felt sad. The other day, everything seems so normal. But everything changed on Friday. U said U found out u didn’t like me that much since last week. I ask why. But u didn’t give me any specific answer. Even now I still don’t know why. U ask me if we r still friends. I said I don’t know cuz u hurt me so much. On Saturday and Sunday u kept texting, but I didn’t text u back. This behavior made u mad. U said u will never bother me. And then I found out u block me on facebook and line. I really feel sad and heartbroken. After 2 days, u texted me a pix which seems begging me to forgive u. I’m sooooooo weak. I told u giving me more time, and maybe we can be friends. Today u asked me why I blocked u. Excuse me?? U r the one blocked me bah. U didn’t admit it and just said forget it. Gee!! That really hurts.

Speechless

Today I asked him why he likes me. I'm so silly. He didnt answer and just wanted to skip the conversation. He said he's tired and doesnt want to talk about it. Im so stupid. I should ask if he likes me, not why. Because he didnt like me. No wonder he treat me this way. Ask me to treat him dinner, and keep asking me to do many thing for him. Im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo stupid. Now I know. Everything is so crystal clear. He just wants someone to hang out or sex with him. No wonder he never ask me to be his gf. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really need to wake up. Call it an end lah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My feeling kinda hurts. I am human being eh.

Should I keep faith?

I thought if I keep faith and treat others nicely, I would get the feedback. But now I think maybe it's wrong. U just keep give somethone u have, but maybe others just dont even mind it. So wanna have feedbak? I'm so naive. Can I be more mature? Please be realistic, OK? But I really want to be myself. What if I change who I am, I probably wont recognize myself. What can I do??? Here some questions I wanna ask u: 1. What do u take me for? A fool?? T_T 2. It's so unfair the way u treat me?

Everything seems so obvious

U think u know someone. Actually U don't. Let me call it an end. It’s been 3 months. Maybe it would be better to end all of these. In the beginning, everything seems fine, but just the small thing happened, it makes me understand a man thoroughly. He’s so shallow. It’s not worthy, right? I know that deep inside. I really need to end this right now. And I won’t get hurt. Or I’ve already got hurt >< My feeling hurts.

maybe I'm wrong

Usually I take things too easily, but maybe others dont think the same way with me. I know being in love is not so easy, but somehow I still have hope. I want to have simple and pure love. Two of us can share life together. U can call these two people "lovers", but I want to call them "life partners". This is what I want. I want to keep the relationship soooooooooooooooo simple. No suspicion, no sheme, just simple as the pure water. I want that everything goes slowly. Nowadays, everything goes so fast. I dont like this kind of phenomena. If everyone does the same thing, does that mean I should do the same?????? I dont think so. U can call me freak, but I still want to be myself. I want to tell u Ive tried already. Is it not enough????? :(

LOVE

Love~ What is love? In fact, I don’t know. Since I was 22, I have had the feeling which is I want to be in love. But I think it’s hard. If every time someone show that he has interest in me, I’m kind of afraid>< I don’t know why~ Am I afraid of expessing myself or losing something? Or they are not my type/ Maybe all I have to admit that I do had feeling for two persons. They don’t even know it. I don’t know how to express. Silly me>”< What am I thinking? Hard to figure out~ I want to be in love, but I’m also scared about something that I don’t know Twisted~

stupid

Why am I so stupid?
Although I know there's nothing between us, I still hope a little.
few days ago, I knew the news. I didn't feel surprised. I just feel kind of sad.
I still pretend that I am fine.
I don't know you very much.
So it's just a crush?
I don't know
I don't know
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past,I just can't seem to move on><
Maybe time will heal eveything
it just takes time

find a way back into love

"New start"

It's been a year since I wrote the last article in the blog.
I use the same title again, but I forgot why I uesd the title last time.
Maybe it was the time I graduated(I guess XD)

This time, it's for real. I have a new job and I need to move to another city.
Maybe for some people, it's commom. But for me, it's a challenge. :D
Thank God trusting me, and let me pursue what I want.

But as I say, I'm a strange person.
My awkward, strange and confused personality sometimes drives me crazy >"<
This is reaaly what I want??
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I need a mentor to guide me.
Dear God, could you let me meet my mentor?

好奇怪

奇怪的日子過了好幾天，現在的日子比起研究所的日子，的確輕鬆許多，
但是卻快樂不起來，想不清楚自己想要做什麼事情，對於未來的迷惘令人感到害怕，去試了一些自己原來都想不到的方向嘗試著前進，可是試了幾次都被拒絕，我覺得反而對自己更沒有信心了，到底哪裡出了問題了？想不透~
我不適合那些，還是那些不適合我，或許他們也看得出來我迷惘的文字與表情吧!所以就不錄用囉!
曾經有位前輩跟我說，多方面嘗試就可以找到自己的方向，可是現在沒有了信心怎麼繼續下去呢？
原來我是這麼的weak，還擺什麼高姿態阿~ freak

trip

right now
I do want travelling
oh my god
I do want to run away
I feel empty right now
have no expectation
someone treats you just like nothing
you are nothing
no meaning for him
I am just a stranger I guess
it really sucks
sucks
stop it
stop it
stop it
It even doesn't start yet
Hoe does it end?
Do I know this person?
Not really.
I think I try a lot
but all the good things come to an end

人

人好像是這樣的
愛情在人生當中似乎是不可或缺的東西
而且也會使人改變
這種改變是短暫的，還是長期的呢?
可能視情況而定
就以我身邊人的經驗檢視

以前他們沒所謂的情人時
假日期間，總是會找你出去，但是有了之後卻不同了
因為假日期間他們一起hang out的人就是所謂的情人
朋友有這種情形嗎?? 我覺得還好，因為跟他們相處的時間不長
但是如果事發生在家人身上，就感覺很明顯了

當然情人或是愛人給他們的東西以及我能給他們的東西是不同的
我也不會傻到要他們做選擇還是怎麼樣
因為我知道我是不會被選擇的那一方
我可能需要有自己的生活
可是我不想跟他們一樣，找到一個所謂的情人
因為說不定，我也會被改變成我自己不太喜歡的那種人，

弔詭的是，如果他們分手後呢?
生活方式又會變得跟以前一樣嗎?
我也不了解，必須靜觀其變吧!
我的想法會很幼稚嗎??
我應該自己去找一些事情來填滿自己

人好像還是自私的，回朝向自己覺得快樂的方向前進
anyway 我不要管這個了
我的下一步
我想去旅行
我也要朝著自己喜歡的方向前進
做個自私的人 ^^

Dear God~

Dear God

This time, I need your help. Please let me forget these stuff, all of these.
I deserve having better person.
Everything is just illusion.
I think I am not ready for this. Am I a coward?
I don't want to admit it.
Maybe I am.
Being alone is a bad thing?
Everyone around me seems having a serious relationship.
I????
I don't know
I don't know
Dear God
I've never broken my heart?
Am I strange? I haven't met you yet.
Where do I belong?
Somewhere?
I am sick of waiting.
I am so stupid.
Anyway, please help me forget.
forget everything and find a new goal

不爽的心情蔓延開了

昨天知道了這個消息後 心情就不是很好
有人可能會說拜託 這狗的事情你就不要插手 不要管阿
把它丟掉就好了 放掉放掉

可是我就是沒辦法把它放掉 情理法都是不相符的
我覺得好丟臉 好丟臉有這樣的一個.....
整個頭腦都不知道在想些什麼
令我汗顏
覺得真的很丟臉 自己的家人會想做出這種事情
這種事情我也不敢對別人分享
這一次我真的不管他了 鬧翻就鬧翻
反正我本來就不是他心中的"乖女兒"
so what??
令人作噁U make me sick.>"<