Maybe it's good for me, my Lord

Keep telling myself it’s OK Everything happened is just a process After crying, I have to get up and put myself together Being with this kind of person just makes me painful and look myself down I need to be this person who make me feel I’m special Now I know everything he said are all lies. I need to getup, and no more crying.

6/2, 2013

Yes. This is the day. This is my first time. I don't want to use the term "LOST" because I should see it as a progress. LOST is so pessimistic. Everything happened so fast since he broke up with me. I had experienced a miserable month, and I decided not to live like this anymore. And then fall into another one so fast. Sometimes I just don't know what I am doing. That day, I didn't say no. I just let it happen. Maybe he's asked me many times, and I don't want to see him disappointing. Maybe I just want to let it happen because of my ex? Now I know I am over thinking again. Why cant I just lay back? and feel relaxed? It's my personality? Probably bah (It hurt hurt hurt) (I like the way he hold me :)

Will u still love me?

Sometimes I still get the massages from him. Those massages are like knives slowly and softly hurt me. And sometimes make me remind him. What a fool! I guess I still want to heard something from him bah. That’s why I still don’t block him. These thoughts make me like a crazy girl. How stupid I am. Still want him back? Even though I know this wont happened. No happiness. I’m so stupid and stubborn, Gosh! Get some sleep bah. Recently I met another guy. This man seems nice. But I still have some trust issue. If I let this feeling out, I may scare him away bah. This isn’t me. I feel painful now.

It's all about sex

So annoying. Now I know the reason. Everything is about sex. So frustrated. Am I too shallow or r they superficial? Yeah. There is no right or wrong. It’s all about the choice. I take everything too seriously. This is my own problem. Shit!!! I’m fucking stupid. I really want to change this dull thinking.

03262013 officially over

Yesterday it was officially over. What he said still hurt me. But L should be glad that I didnt spend much time on a wrong person. I still can't get it that a person would treat me this way especially I already told him what my limit is. He's a liar and immature. What more can I say? He never takes me seriously and tries to make me feel that I'm the reason to cause problems. Soooooo awful >"< Wake up, Chu. It's the time to love yourself. Fight for it. U will own the happinees that u want. Don't be afraid of loving others and remember love yourself first. Chu, fight for it. :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

unfair?

我知道我們之間不可能，我也不會勉強什麼，但是一切都發生得太快，我很想了解到底是怎麼一回事，可能你不喜歡我了，可能你遇到你覺得更符合你條件的人，這一切都是有可能發生的，但是我覺得你不應該逃避我，因為我至少可以知道這一切的發生，逃避是不能解決問題的，不管是面對感情、生活或工作上的事情，這都不是應該有的態度。你或許想喘息一下，想清楚一點，但請你想清楚後可以跟我說到底是發生什麼事情嗎?要不然這樣對我，實在是太不公平了。

Day 4 after we were over

Today I still think of him sometimes. I want to text him, but I know it's not right. Be dumped by the same person at the second time How stupid I am. I dont want to be together anymore, but I still think of him. Why am I stupid like the person who is afraid to face me and tell me that he doesnt like me anymore? Maybe he has others Maybe....................... Everything is mistake. It shouldnt start in the beginning. I want to post my sadness on my facebook, but I cant. I only can toughen up and stop thinking, but it's really hard. Gosh~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear God Can u ask him to text me and explain what happened about everything? Suddendly I feel empty in my heart. so empty~~

Day38

Today I told him we r over. He didnt answer me anything. This made me feel sad. After chinese new year, we were back together. Just after one month, I can feel his impatience with me. Still dont know why. My friend told me he's just not that into me. Maybe I should make my heart dead. Then I wont get hurt again. Do i really like him? or just like the feeling? or just want a company? I AM LOST. TOTALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marrige

It seems so close but so far away actually. "結婚像是找個生活上的夥伴，應該是對彼此的生活都有加分的作用，這樣結婚才有價值。" I love this sentence. This is actually I want. Now I'm almost 28. I really have to learn how to let go. That's the way set myself free. I wish I could be a big girl like Éponine who is so strong and brave. Life goes on. I cant stick in this for so long. :)

Day 3

Day 3 Huh? In the morning, he texted me, but this time I didnt reply. I know I'm trying not to contact him. Good Job! But still would think of him sometimes T T I'm really pathetic.

This is Day 2

This is Day 2 I try my best not to contact with him actively. But when he contacted with me actively, I broke the rule I made. Again, 我又被牽著鼻子走. 我好糟糕~~~~ :(

No need to contact

Today is 2/5/2013 . I make a decision which is that I won't contact with him actively. Today is the first day. I hope I can forget him as soon as possible. This is the only way to make me move on. I guess. I can do this. Dear God please help me. I do need your help.

That really hurts

2013/1/24 Thursday U called me. Everything seems fine. We had chatted for 30mins. U said u were tired. I didn’t think too much. Maybe it’s about work.In the mooring, u still texted me as usual.In the afternoon, u told me u probably got fired because of mistake u made. I said it’s OK. I want to be supportive. On Friday morning, I texted u. But u just read and didn’t text back. At that moment, I was kind of worried about you. U just said u r busy. At night, u told me u need more time. I know something strange. U said since last week u didn’t have feeling for me. I can’t get it because we just went biking last Saturday. And I think everything went smoothly. We even went see the new apartment for sale. And then u talked something about marriage. I just said it’s kind of rush to get married. And we’ll see. (I didn’t say no ah) On Sunday, I was supposed to go Taoyuan to meet u. But you said ur parents were coming, so I couldn’t meet u. That night, we were still talking on the phone. And u told me how well ur ex treat u. On Monday, I decided to ask u why u like me. U didn’t answer, and just said u r tired and didn’t want to talk about it. At the moment, I felt sad. The other day, everything seems so normal. But everything changed on Friday. U said U found out u didn’t like me that much since last week. I ask why. But u didn’t give me any specific answer. Even now I still don’t know why. U ask me if we r still friends. I said I don’t know cuz u hurt me so much. On Saturday and Sunday u kept texting, but I didn’t text u back. This behavior made u mad. U said u will never bother me. And then I found out u block me on facebook and line. I really feel sad and heartbroken. After 2 days, u texted me a pix which seems begging me to forgive u. I’m sooooooo weak. I told u giving me more time, and maybe we can be friends. Today u asked me why I blocked u. Excuse me?? U r the one blocked me bah. U didn’t admit it and just said forget it. Gee!! That really hurts.

Speechless

Today I asked him why he likes me. I'm so silly. He didnt answer and just wanted to skip the conversation. He said he's tired and doesnt want to talk about it. Im so stupid. I should ask if he likes me, not why. Because he didnt like me. No wonder he treat me this way. Ask me to treat him dinner, and keep asking me to do many thing for him. Im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo stupid. Now I know. Everything is so crystal clear. He just wants someone to hang out or sex with him. No wonder he never ask me to be his gf. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really need to wake up. Call it an end lah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My feeling kinda hurts. I am human being eh.

Should I keep faith?

I thought if I keep faith and treat others nicely, I would get the feedback. But now I think maybe it's wrong. U just keep give somethone u have, but maybe others just dont even mind it. So wanna have feedbak? I'm so naive. Can I be more mature? Please be realistic, OK? But I really want to be myself. What if I change who I am, I probably wont recognize myself. What can I do??? Here some questions I wanna ask u: 1. What do u take me for? A fool?? T_T 2. It's so unfair the way u treat me?